Tourist Things to Do (and to Skip)

 
There are a zillion things to see in Paris. See them all. I've listed here some of my favorites, some of the classics, and some of the weirdest. You decide which is which. The thing I've listed first here is there for a reason: most people never check it out, and it really is the coolest thing in the world.

Basilica St. Denis--first gothic cathedral, really. A must see. Take the metro (line 13) to the stop Basilique de St-Denis Basilique (the St. Denis--Université line). You'll see it as you get off the metro; if you don't, just follow the signs. This is so worth it that you won't believe you never came here before. Make sure to get the really cool headphones they have that know what you're looking at and narrate to you what you're seeing in whatever language you choose (within reason, of course). Make sure to see the crypt--really. They have all (well many) of the dead kings' tombs here (I guess it's lucky they're dead), and they have Louis XIV's heart in this reliquary. This might be the single most interesting thing to see in Paris (actually it's just outside of Paris, but leave me alone, I've been writing for a long time).

Notre Dame. Of course. Even if you've never been in a single church in your life, go here. You'll be awestruck by the archictecture and by whatever it was that motivated people to build this thing almost a thousand years ago. Go to the archeological dig in front of the cathedral. Walk through every inch of the place. Do everything. Climb the towers, which you do by going around the left side of the building and paying 6 euros or so. If you're there in the summer, go up around 10:00 at night (I think it's Tuesday night they're open, or maybe Thursday--check. Do I have to do everything?). The view you get as the sun is setting is absolutely breathtaking and you'll feel changed by it. If you're lucky you'll see see the insane man at the very top who will show you the bells and creep you out. Give him a small tip as you leave or he might kill you. Lines get long in the summer for both the towers and the crypt, so choose wisely (but almost no one knows you can climb the towers at night one day a week, so you can skip merrily up without waiting, all the while looking and feeling smug). If you promise not to tell anyone I told you, there are two things to do that you're not supposed to do but are worth it if you can get away with it. First: they generally have the far end of the sacristy closed off for people who want to pray. This is perfectly fine in Tom's book. If you'll promise to look very respectful and reverent, and do it perfectly silently and creeping along like a cat, Tom recommends that you slip through the barrier, looking as though you're headed to the service in back, and check out this area, paying special attention to the tombs there. Also (and this one's significantly more dangerous, and you will probably get caught): if you go up the stairs to the bookstore, there will be an area blocked off to the left. Open the door (this take guts) and you can find your way out to the first-level galleries that overlook the whole cathedral. It's truly stunning (and not a little dusty), because you're seeing something that almost no one has seen before, but you'll really catch shit if they find you (voice of experience). Tom did not tell you to do this, and disavows all knowledge of this.

Montmartre. This is a nighttime thing. Take the metro to Abbesses and then follow the signs to Sacré Cœur, which is a 19th-century basillica. You'll have to climb a lot of hills and stuff. Or, if you don't want to take the 220 odd steps you see at right, you can take the funiculaire that goes up the same slope, and, interestingly enough, your metro tickets work there. Once you get to Sacré Cœur, look at the amazing view of the city. This is best just around sunset. Listen to the annoying young guitarists try to sing Simon and Garfunkle songs, and marvel at the American sorority girls who think they're doing something really cool by hanging out with these jerks and half closing their eyes and swaying to the music as though they're doing something really authentic. Now follow the crowd around the left side of the church (as you're facing it) and head into the crowded streets that lead to the Place du Tertre, which used to be a place where real artists painted but is now frequented by charlatains who will ask you for insane amounts of money to paint an unflattering caricature of you. Resist absolutely. Thing is, for all the stuff not to like about Montmartre, it's pretty great. If you like the movie The Fabulous Destiny of Amelie Poulain, for example, you can see the real produce market where a lot of it was shot. Go to the top of the Rue des Trois Frères, and you'll see it--and you'll know it, too, because the owner has a lot of stuff aimed at people who want to see the place. You can take your picture there, too, since they don't mind. You should also just walk around the little streets here, and you'll find great places to eat and drink all over. By the way, you should also check out the area at Abbesses, where I told you to get out of the metro. It's got one of only two few remaining original covered metro stops. Take a walk along the rue des Abbesses heading west, to where it turns into the rue Joseph de Maistre--good eats and drinks there. Go up the rue Caulaincourt. Go to the Bateau Lavoir, where Picasso first started doing his cubist paintings, and where other artists hung out, too, at the Place Emile Goudeau (get there by following the rue Ravignan).

Boat ride on the Seine. I can't decide if this is something you should do or avoid. It depends on how you feel. The ride itself is fun, but the ridiculous narration they subject you to makes it somewhat painful. You'll get to see a lot of monuments from unusual perspectives, and you get to look up the noses of the people in the statues; you won't get sea sick, either. Do not take the dinner cruise unless you want to eat nothing but stale bread for three days following (that's right: it's very expensive).

Tuileries. This is a garden type thing at the west end of the Louvre. Hang out here and sit in one of the iron chairs. Watch old ladies. Look at the flowers. You should definitely go to the Tuileries, which are quite beautiful. It's good to go here after you've spent a long time in the Louvre, because you can kind of get your vision back after focusing closely on very detailed stuff for a while. Often in the summer they'll have strange festivals here with rides and such. You should absolutely go on the giant ferris wheel if it's up when you're there (but the jury is still out on whether you should buy the truly odd picture they take of you when you're getting off the wheel). Even people who are smart often don't know that the name "tuileries" comes from the factories that used to be around this area that produced roof tiles (tuiles). There, now you know, and you can lord it over people.

Now, speaking of those iron chairs, they have the same ones in the Jardins du Luxembourg, where you should, of course, also go. But I don't feel like describing that lovely spot right now; I want to talk about those damned chairs. There are two different kinds, and if you're new to this you won't notice and you will hence get screwed out of a more comfortable visit. Regulars, however, know the difference, and they train their hawk-like eyes on the ones that have armrests. It's not just about the armrests themselves--these chairs are engineered better, and there's something about the angle of the seat to the back that makes them more comfortable. OK, so much for the physics of this. The really interesting part is the sociology of the whole thing. Most people sitting in one of these parks that have the iron chairs will do everything they can to (1) get an armrest chair; and (2) get another, non-armrest chair to put their feet on. It's not just that they'll try to do this: watch the subtle way they go about rounding up their prized iron possessions. Since you can't legitimately deprive someone else of a place to sit just so you can rest your tired dogs, you have to be very crafty in arraning things so you get one of the good chairs to sit on and one of the cruddy ones for your feet. And people won't ever quite lunge for a good chair--they'll kind of walk non-chalantly toward one, increasing their speed if they see someone else aiming for the same chair. It's really a trip.

Invalides. This is paradoxically both boring and interesting. Go here if you like Napoleon. He's buried there.

Eiffel Tower. This is on my list of things both to avoid and to do. Don't like paradox? Deal with it. First, I think you'll spend a lot of time waiting in line to go up to the top, and once you get there (if you haven't had all your money stolen by the pickpockets who congregate there like flies on shit) you're so high up that you have no perspective on anything and you just want to spit off the tower anyway. The view of the city is much better from the top of Notre Dame or from the top of Montmartre. A big plus, however, is that you can pee up there (there's a bathroom); there's something oddly exhilerating about this. Mark my words: if you go up here you'll be sorry you wasted your time. Then, I think, it's really cool. You look at the positively massive structure of the thing and you can't believe it was ever built in the first place. The view from the top, although alienating, is also breathtaking. There are also phones up there, and you can call people and say "I'm at the top of the Eiffel Tower" and they'll think it's cool. There's also a post office up there. Who knows what else is up there. It's also good to take the stairs (but they only go to level 2, not all the way up). It turns out not to be as hard as you'd think to climb the stairs (weirdly, it's much harder going down), and you don't have to wait anywhere near as long in line (and it's cheaper). There's also a bizarre sign half way up in French and English that says, "Please do not leave objects on the Eiffel Tower." I don't know why this strikes me as weird, but it does. So I didn't leave any. There are two restaurants on the Eiffel Tower: Altitude 95, on the first level; and Le Jules Verne, on the second level. I haven't eaten at either one of them, so anyone who has, I'd appreciate your input here. ADDITION: Jackie tells us that the Jules Verne is great (see Restaurant page).

Paris Saint Germain Football (that's soccer to you). Even if you're not a soccer fan, I'll bet you'll have a heck of a time at a Paris Saint Germain football match. The team plays in the Parc des Princes, a nice stadium that holds 48,000 screaming fans (emphasize the screaming and you'll get a brief idea of the action here), and it's easily accessible by RER (line C, station Boulevard Victor) or metro (Porte de Saint Cloud or Porte d'Auteuil). The statium's address, in case you're driving or going by cab or something is 24, rue du Commandant Guilbaud. Don't be alarmed if you see buses of security guards (CRS)--that just means the game will be good. The fans are rowdy and hence interesting, and the matches are usually pretty exciting. Check here for the schedule and other information about the team.

Père Lachaise Cemetery. Metro Père Lachaise (surprise, surprise). It's not creepy unless you get lost in there (which is quite easy to do) near closing time. It's easy to find Jim Morrison's grave, because all sorts of Americans have left signs that say things like "This way to the end." Kids will be camped out there really stoned and acting weirdly religious and solemn, and they actually have guards posted there. The bathrooms are truly disgusting.

As you're walking around, you'll no doubt get hungry, and you'll be tempted to bop into one of the many, many pâtisseries (bakeries) that you see all over Paris. Do it. You'll quickly learn that most of the stuff is even better than it looks. Tom's absolute favorite thing in this domain is the pain au chocolat, which is often described as a chocolat croissant by people who are idiots. A pain au chocolate is, rather, a pastry that consists of more or less the same pâte brisée (although ever so slightly sweetened) you find in a croissant, and it's got a few morsels of real, good, bittersweet chocolate in it. It's not sickeningly sweet, because there isn't that much chocolate in it--there's just exactly enough. I'm still trying to find the best one in the world, so we're taking nominations here.

Arènes de Lutèce. Lutèce was the original name of Paris, by the way. No one goes here--most people aren't even aware of this place--but you should definitely go. It's a real Roman arena right in the middle of Paris (and Allen points out that you can see Sharon's finger in this picture). Take the metro to Jussieu, go up the rue Linné and turn right on a little street (Rue des Arènes). It's so bizarre you won't believe it. Dead calm hidden right in the middle of one of the city's busiest areas. People will be playing lawn games there, and some folks will likely be picnicing in the stands, which turns out to be a very fun thing to do (and there are a few boulangeries in the neighborhood that sell sandwiches in addition to the pastries you'd expect). They claim that over 10,000 people could fill this arena, which was built some time after the first or second century CE; it was only uncovered in modern times in the middle of the nineteenth century. Read the plaques if you can: apparently they used to fill the darned thing with water and do battle ship contests here, too. There's a whole website, by the way, dedicated to the playing of pétanque--lawn bowling, bocce, whatever you happen to call it--in the Arènes de Lutèce.

Nat reminds me that I really have to put something in here about the Catacombs, and he's right, of course (but don't tell him). Absolutely gazillions of bones dating back hundreds of years, all there for you to enjoy several dozen meters under the streets of Paris. They're open odd times, so call before you go (01 43 22 47 63); as of this writing you can check the dead people out Tuesday to Friday from 2.00 p.m to 4.00 p.m Saturday and Sunday from 9.00 a.m to 11.00 a.m and from 2.00 p.m to 4.00 p.m. The entrance is at 1, place Denfert-Rochereau (metro or RER of that name), and it costs about 5 euros. Wear cruddy shoes, because it can be pretty wet down there (you really are quite a ways down beneath the city), and you might get chilly even if it's really hot out. I'd wear old clothes, too, because if you brush up against, um, stuff you can get crud on your clothes, and since you're not really sure what it is, better off not ruining your Chanel outfit. Bring a flashlight if you happen to have one, since it's pretty dark down here. If you spook easy, don't do this--you really have absolutely no idea how many bones there are, and once you're down there, you pretty much have to walk all the way through (a half mile maybe?). You desensitize to it, and then all of a sudden you turn a corner and you think, "Oh my god, how can there be that many bones here?" The really cool thing is that the galleries extend through all parts of the city, but you're more or less limited to being under the 14th arrondissement.

Champs Elysées. I'd just avoid the whole thing, but if you want to take a stupid and sickening walk, get off the metro at Charles de Gaulle Etoile and walk all the way down to the Place de la Concorde (which, by the way, leads into the Tuileries described above). Don't go to a café here because you'll have to mortgage your house to have a cup of coffee. Don't buy anything here for the same reason. Don't even go here.

In the same general category, I suppose, are the little pedestrian streets between the boulevard Saint Michel and the rue Saint Jacques. They're completely charming, of course, and they're jam-packed with people strolling around looking at the various restaurants, mostly Greek and other mediterranean varieties. You'll have to learn to avoid the animateurs who stand out front and literally grab you by the arm to try to get you to come into their fine establishments. These places are very cheap, and there's generally a reason why (see the Restaurant page for further information here). Tom doesn't really recommend that you eat here, unless it's to grab one of the sandwichs grecs and eat it on the run--these are actually quite excellent, especially with frites. But you will enjoy walking around this area.

The Opera, at the métro stop and place of the same name, is a wildly ornate nineteenth-century structure engineered by Garnier. You can visit it--guided for 10 euros or on your own for 6--but if you want to see the main auditorium you're pretty much going to have to go for the guided tour or have some guts. The guts part is, of course, more fun. If you do the 6-euro visite libre they restrict you to going into one of the little opera boxes on the first balcony level, and it's pretty much of a ripoff. However, if you wander around enough, you're bound to find an open door on the main level. Go in and sit in one of the plush seats. You'll get yelled at and chased out, but it's worth it. Otherwise the visit itself isn't.

Moulin Rouge 82 boulevard de Clichy, métro Blanche (01 53 09 82 82 and their web site). You've seen the movie with Nicole Kidman. Well, this is nothing like that. Which is not to say that you shouldn't go--only that you shouldn't go expecting, well, that. What you've got here is basically a Las Vegas style show, only it's French. I went once--a friend of a friend was a dancer there, and she got us front-row seats--and I thoroughly enjoyed it, but you'd better bring a sense of irony if you go. The thing is, the dancers are truly amazing, and they make what they're doing look effortless. In the famous can-can, they're actually kicking back up and over their shoulders. If you're sitting close you can see the strain on their smiling faces. The horses are good, the dogs, everything is good. But it's so weird that you can't quite believe it. If you do decide to go, consider not doing the dinner show, but one of the later ones, where you get a bottle of champagne. You might need it. Thing about the Moulin Rouge, though, is its history: the place has been there since 1889, and so much has happened there that it's worth checking out even if you decide not to go in.

Sex shows, shops, etc. The sex shows are often called "life shows," which really tickles me. If you want to go to one, go to the ones at Pigalle rather than any of the other ones you might see. You'll probably end up around Pigalle anyway, especially if you go to Montmartre, since one of the main metro stops (Pigalle) is there. Take a walk down the boulevard Clichy toward the west and you'll see these gigantic, neon-facaded sex shops and clubs with these guys out front who will take you by the elbow and try to entice you in. Don't worry--they're not terribly hard sell, and if you just say "merci" or nothing at all they'll simply leave you alone. If you want to avoid them completely and still see what's going on at Pigalle, just walk down the broad middle strip of the boulevard Clichy. Thing is, these places used to look really sordid, with bizarre and lurid giant color photos out front hinting at what you'd find inside. No they have these really forbidding exteriors that make them look like fortresses--I suspect a city ordinance of some sort made them change their look, since they all have adopted more or less similar facades. (Do not, by the way, go to the porn shops or sex shows on the rue Saint Denis. In fact, avoid completely the rue St. Denis (which is a street in Paris, 2nd arrondissement and not the suburb where the basilica is), particularly at night. The rue St. Denis is pretty scary, and you really just ought to just stay completely clear of it in the stretch between the arch and, say, the rue du Caire. Below that it's fine--in fact, there are some interesting shops there.

This brings up the question of safety. Paris is remarkably safe for a city this size. For example, although a couple million people take the metro on a given day, there are on average only 6 violent crimes per day. You can walk around almost anywhere (almost! but you're not very likely to wander into the sections I wouldn't walk around in at night, so don't worry) at all hours of the day and night and not be bothered. This is cool.

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Readers Chime In...

Lee writes: "I recall going to the Lido to see the show. I had read, perhaps in one of Arthur Frommer's books, that if you request a ticket for the "Promenoir" or the bar, you can get to see the show for less money. Promenoir may have been at the Folies Berger where you eventually can get a seat once the show starts; the bar at the Lido. Anyhow, if you avoid the dinner shows and take advantage of the bar or standing in the rear of the theater, you can do well. In each place, the show was great."

Steven has this recreational tip: if you like motorcycles, cars, boats, and other hobby items, the Avenue of the Grande Armée is the place to be. Go between the Arc de Triomphe and the Seine River to the northwest and you will find dozens of places that appeal to these interests.

Ryan suggests seeing Paris by Segway. He writes, "City Segway Tours (formerly Mike's Bike Tours) rents Segways. It's especially neat to see Paris by Segway by night. My mom and grandma and I rented Segways in 2003. My grandma was 73 at the time and their oldest rider thus far. It was awesome. Segways are fun. You can ride all over the sidewalks and all sorts of people came up and asked for brochures. We stopped at an ice cream place and recharged."

César recommends a trip to the top of the Tour Montparnasse (metro Montparnasse-Bienvenue): "You can climb up to the last floor of the tower by a high-speed elevator. There you will have 360-degree view of Paris with maps to help you locate the main tourist attractions. There is also a café to enjoy the view while drinking something and you can climb up by stairs to the very top of the buiding. Bring a coat because it is very windy there. The price for students is 6 euros. It's, of course, nicer in summer daylight. You will get amazing pictures form there."

Anne L. of Rochester, NY, recommends the view from the Pompidou Center: "The view from the outside escalator going all the way to the top of the Pompidou museum is quite wonderful. When you get there the restaurant on the top floor of  the museum is chic and modern; the service is good and the food quite tasty if rather expensive."

Isn't it time you submitted that thing to do in Paris that you've been thinking about? Do it now, and do it here.

Remember, you can download a printable version of Tom's Guide from the home page.